I had a maybe sort of break through this weekend. I was able to tell little bear and lady wolf all my fears and experiences. I howled and cried and thought I might die. They stayed with me and held onto me and I realised these people must love me. They are still here.
In recent weeks I have started to acknowledge how much my childhood has impacted on my mental health and anxieties as an adult. I have grown up with negative affirmations. “I am not good enough. I am unlovable. People hate me. I don’t deserve kindness.”
I never take care of myself. I don’t recognise my achievements. I will take any opportunity to tear myself a part. I have spent so much time and emotional energy on being cruel to myself, on hurting myself with everything I have. I despise and resent myself.
The negativity and hatred and outbursts have become normal to me. I don’t know anything else.
I’m starting to feel incredibly sad for those things. For not being kind to myself. For not loving myself. For telling people they don’t care about me when they obviously do.
Being in a relationship with 2 people is starting to shed some light on these issues. Bringing them to the surface to deal with rather than swallowing them down and curling up with them. It’s tough. I often listen to that horrible voice. I get very upset, very insecure, jealous, and anxious. I worry I’m the third wheel and my loves would be better off without me. I’m damaging myself and probably hurting them in the process. I need to embrace that love. Not only feel it but accept it. Tell myself I do deserve it, that it is ok.
There is so much work and growing for me to do and I don’t know where to start… I want to try and repair myself and start to feel like a real, whole person.
Day 22: My pretty little girl #100happydays
The fanciest of fancy cats
I love how the other one is like “whoop, heres my ride”
Get in, loser, we’re going mopping